so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
