I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
