my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
