My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize