hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
