My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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