I wish I could teleport
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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