Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
