I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize