i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
