just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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