took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
