Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
