May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
