Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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