He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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