so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize