Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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