So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
