You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
