it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
