The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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