i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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