i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
