Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
