we're chasing vodka with high fives
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Just puked most of my soul out..
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
