I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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