Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
