I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
