dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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