I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
