I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The power of my boobs compel you
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize