new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
