ya dads aren't the best wingmen
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize