If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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