there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
