The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
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