Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
