i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
