I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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