My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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