The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
