So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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