i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
