i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
