Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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