When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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