Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
