hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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