i would punch a child for taco bell
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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