I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
