now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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