guys are not supposed to queef...right?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
