shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Don't make out with my wife yet
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
