New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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