I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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