All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
