I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
