shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
