Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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