As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
