I'm laying in your front yard are you home
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
